I often find myself laying awake in bed at night thinking back on these last couple of months.
To say it's been hard is putting it midly. I am tired and beyond exhausted. I have blogged throughout this tapper and detox. Some are finished and I just need to find the strength to hit publish. Others are started or almost finished. In all of them I am angry , sad and mad at the world. I curse being alive and I'm tempted to just give up and give in. I am not the person I once was and Im not sure I ever will be. It's almost as if this drug sucked all the life out of me when it left my body. I have no fight left in me for anything. I often look to others to know how I should feel. They are laughing, I laugh. They are sad , I'm sad. I am a shell of this person I use to be.
Kevin tells me to give it time. I've been through a lot. I can't rush it. He is right... but while I am trying to have a mental breakdown and take care of me, I HAVE what once was my life in front of me, happening without me. I can't parent, I can't be the wife, mom, friend, business partner, grand daughter, sister in law or Aunt that I want to be. I try. I really do. But I can only do so much in my very little capacity of the human being I feel as though I've become.
Their are times I remember who I once was. Every now and than Kevin or one of my girls or my friends will pull her out of me. I'll laugh , really laugh and I remember what life was like. What it could be like. I crave for that normalcy. Especially in my own household where tensions are often high and emotions are all over the place. We have been through a lot as a family. We have come together and we have fallen apart. I pray with time all wounds will heal and we can be stronger than ever.
Sometimes I look up at the sky and see the sunset, really see it. And I find hope. Hope that all is not lost. That I am in here and I will find my way out.
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