Happy one year Anniversary to me. If you asked me this time last year where I think I would be this time this year? I would honestly say I would not have known.
Did I think it would be easier the second time around , yes. Was it? I'd like to say no but it was just... It was different. I think it took me longer to recover. I think at times I am still recovery in a lot of ways. Both physically and mentally. Of course, I am getting older, so there is that! I am learning to live life not in fear but to look at life as a never ending of possibilities! I am learning that it is okay to Fail. We all make mistakes and it doesn't have to be the end of the world . Not only am I learning to be patient with others but myself as well. I have endured pain far greater than I ever thought was imaginable. I feel as though at times I battled the devil and I WON. Maybe not entirely though. I can still hear him knocking on the door and the faint whispers of the addiction.
Through all of this I have learned many things. One of those things was how to dance. Not really dance, just stumble through. Kind of like life! Some days I'm really good( not like dancing with the stars good) most days I'm not. BUT I have learned that that is okay!
Try new things my therapist says! It will do you wonders!
For 45 min a week I get to pretend I can dance ( i never look in the mirrors , so i never know how i am really doing. I usually watch the other ladies in the class and pretend I'm them!
When we are suppose to go on the ground, roll , jump, (yes I said jump) into a handstand . By the time I am getting my ass off the floor they are already into the next step. We repeat the dance and I refuse to go on the floor more than once. I instead just flit my arms around until the rest of them get up.
I used to go to water aerobics with my mother in law. I remember there was a lady in the class and she was a bit off on her own away from the rest of us just doing her own thing. And I thought it to be a bit strange. That is until now..... I am THAT lady in my dance class. I too just have a hard time following along, I don't understand the counting, my shoulders are too tight, my leg only goes a mere inch off the ground (and that's probably being nice ) I'm not good , I know that but I have fun and I enjoy going. That's if I can get my anxiety under control enough to walk through the door to practice.
Taking a Dance class seemed like such a good idea at the time. Back in September!
In all honesty, I love it. I have anxiety the whole day of my dance class. Kevin will say " are you going to dance tonight ?" And he finally stopped asking when I said " Kevin, I don't even know if I'm going to dance . Not until I'm driving there , not until I walk in the door do I even know if I'm going. It's out of my comfort zone, wayyyyyyyy..... out of my comfort zone. But I do love it and I have so much fun. , I am learning to take time out for me. And I am living a little bit each day.
I love all my ladies in my class. They are all wonderful dancers and are Beautiful people! Some are young Moms, others are older ladies just having some fun. I might add that the back row of our Dance has a beautiful dancer with legs for days and than the studio Owner and THAN ME!!! I think I am being punked.
I am trying Ladies I promise I am. I don't want you to all have a fumbling idiot in your beautiful dance. Who knows, maybe they will kick me out. It happened once before. When I was 8. Ballet. Don't ask my mom about it, she is still pissed to this day. Maybe I'll take that next year. Give myself a little redemption. Front row seats for my mom!! Ohhhhh..... I want to dance on those Pointe shoes!!!!!
We are not getting any younger ladies and gents, stop wasting your time on worrying about what others think. Enjoy every moment that this crazy life has to offer! Do the things you are afraid to do and just DANCE!
My hope for all of you is that " if you get the chance to sit out or Dance, I hope you dance!!!"
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