I was laying on my bed struggling to breath. Struggling to get my nerves under control.
I needed to get my shit together. I was doing Bailey and her friend's graduation photos in just under an hour. I wasn't sure If I'd be able to.
Kevin grabbed me and we went for a walk. The walk did nothing to settle my nerves. I walked into my office to be alone for a moment. I sat down and put my head between my knees and prayed that I'd be able to this. If not for my sake, for Bailey's. I haven't been able to give a 100% in a long time to my girls. I refused to take anything else away from them.
On the way to her friends house, Bailey turned to me and said " you do not have to do this"
In trying to be honest with myself, I also try to be brutally honest with my girls. I let them know how I am so they never have to guess and I have leaned to let them know what I need as well. That way they are never left wondering or feeling like my behavior is some how their fault.
I wish I could hide and pretend everything is okay but I can't. I physically and mentally can't.
They see it all. The shakes, the crying, the hyperventilating , the panic attacks.
It was in that car ride with Bailey when she looked at me and Said " you don't have to do this", that I realized I really needed help. I could no longer just sit back and try to make my way through each day. Each day was a struggle, every event in my life was too much . I couldn't get out of my own way. Everything was overwhelming and scary.
The only way I make it through each day is because I pray a lot and I have the support and encouragement from my family.
I made it through that photo shoot with Bailey and her friend only because I am a mom.!!! And moms will do anything for our kids . MOM are super heroes!!! Believe it because we are !!!
I also got through that night because of Bailey. She was always there making sure I was okay. Reminding me how much this meant to her. How much I meant to her. Her friend and her friend's mom were the best. We talked and we laughed. . It was a good time. One I almost missed because I am not okay and I think I can get better on my own. I think I can do this all alone, but I can't, and I won't pretend I can anymore.
I will seek help not only for myself but for my Husband and for my kids. For my business partner and for all my hopes and dreams. I know I might never be the person I was before Trigiminal Neuralgia, but maybe , just maybe I can be an even better version of the old me!
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