I'm crying out to God to give me the strength I need to get through these last few tapers.
I've walked miles upon miles. I've walked for hours In the cold, the wind and the rain. I've sat in my grandfather's open field with the wind almost blowing me away watching the sunset and praying for some peace within my aching body and some rest from the craziness within my head.
At times I feel nothing at all. Other times I feel far too much all at once.
My head is full of all kinds craziness. Crazy thoughts of doubt , fear , and self harm. The panic and the overwhelming anxiety these thoughts bring me are overwhelming.
I trust myself in nothing.
Kevin has my pills and gives them to me when I need to take them. I know he has them hidden well for in my craziness I have searched high and low for them. ( it was like when he hid the girl scout cookies on me!)
I have sat out in my living room at 2 am trying to figure out how I can get to Kevin's side of the bed quietly and look for them. I tried this one other time when I knew he had a snickers bar hidden on his side. He made me jump when he woke up and asked what I was foraging for!!!
Luckily I never got the chance to go in and try to look for them. He came out to check on me right before I was going to put my plan in action. He asked what I was up to. I started sobbing as I spilled the beans and told him my plan. I was ashamed and felt defeated.
Kevin never , never makes me feel ashamed or less than. He never makes me feel like I am crazy. I know with all my heart that if he could he would take this pain from me. Since he can't he hardly leaves my side.Kevin has been on many walks with me. In the Cold and in the rain. Has worried about me when I go out alone and has come looking for me when I've been gone too long. He never makes me feel crazy and is always , always there for me. He says he is proud of me and loves me fiercely.
I know I'm lacking in all things as a mother, wife ,sister, friend and business partner.
This weighs heavy on heart, yet it is far beyond my control.
I try to lay all these burdens at the feet of Jesus. I pray he holds my girls and Kevin in his arms while we struggle through these dark and foreboding times.
I know Kevin and the girls will have their own perspective, experiences, thoughts and feelings on my recovery and Whatever they feel and whatever they think is OKAY.
I just need them to know that in my darkest hours it is their faces I see. It is their smiles and their laughter that gets me through another day .
The knowledge that I am not alone in this battle gets me through another day, another night and I am hoping with God's Mercy and grace Ill get through another week.
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