Recovery

It's not easy. Lets just start with that! I think I should start with telling you the good parts before I tell the sad, hard and embarrassing ones ( YES, I am going to go there!!! ) The good parts.. lets see...

My family was so happy to have me home.

No, really! I was surprised too!

They showered me with gifts. Again, No Really!!! It was like Christmas morning! A new Winter jacket they knew I'd been eyeing! Warm, soft cozy Pajamas and not just one pair but two! Fuzzy warm socks and CANDY!!! I've never seen so much candy and snacks. Don't you all know I love all those little Debbie snacks!

The girls had even put cute signs in my room and cleaned. They were so attentive to me and my every need. Blankets, corn bags ( two hot ones! One for my hands and one for my feet! A cold one for my head!) They made my coffee how I liked it and attended to my every need. I EVEN had a BELL!!! I know, I know, it all sounds like a dream! And it was for a bit, until ... It wasn't!

Friday was GREAT!!!

Saturday and Sunday were rough. Kevin was up giving me medication all night. One pill at 2 am, another at 4 a.m and one more at 6 a.m and on and on!

Not to mention.... If I am drinking all that water with those pills, I am going to have to PEE. I couldn't possibly go pee when I got up to take my meds. Nope, I wake Kevin up and ask him to help me get up in between those times!

Morning arrives far too soon and I'm up getting meds, eating breakfast and dry heaving in the bathroom. All in that order! Apparently the two moves I made, the one from the bed to the kitchen and from the kitchen to the bedroom were too much for me, so a nap was in order.

At the end of the day I am sitting in the recliner, resting after a hard day of resting! Kevin and Dakota are passed out on the coach, exhausted from attending to my needs.

Poor things should have never brought me home from the hospital.

They jump awake when they see me trying to stand . I tell them I REALLY need to go to the bathroom!!!!! As I am trying to get up, they run over to help. Just as I start to roll my walker a crossed our carpet, my belly start to rumble. I know this is not going to be good. No good at all.

Lets just say it... I never made it and I shit my pants! Yes, Yes I did.

Dakota and Kevin were amazing. Helped me to the bathroom, got me cleaned up and into bed!

How embarrassing right?!?!? Not as embarrassing as waking up and realizing you shit yourself while sleeping. The mortification I felt when waking up Kevin cant be explained.

Kevin without hesitation, jumped up, helped me get out of bed and got me to the bathroom. As I cleaned up, he worked in the bedroom. Cleaning, changing the sheets,and even getting fresh Jammies for me. When I came out, he helped me back into bed.

Laying there in the in the dark. Kevin turns to me and says " I just need you to know that none of this bothers me. I love you and I am here for you"

The softness of his voice and the gentleness of his words. The look of love on his face. With every bad day I have, I will remember his face and know that I am truly LOVED.

I am beyond blessed to have this wonderful man in my life. I am blessed beyond measure ! My children are blessed to have an such an amazing father.

I am well AWARE right at this moment , that people are reading this blog. This ONE , where I tell everyone I shit myself. But... I am trying to be blog as if no one is reading. I believe its important to be honest. I am hoping to process all I've been through. Feel all my feelings and let them go. I also want to always remember the love Kevin and my girls have shown to me.

If you thought things got easier after all of this , it didn't!

Kevin got covid the following week and stayed home for the next two weeks. He was so, so sick .

We struggled as what to do with Dakota and Bailey. I called my Wonderful,Beautiful, caring and amazing mother and law. Through my sobbing I tried to explain the situation. Not once did she hesitate when I asked her to take Dakota for the week. Bailey was quarantined in her room and Kenadee was staying away!

Their is heartbreak in knowing we couldn't for our own children and the guilt that follows with the knowledge of that is disheartening.

Kevin and I have a new song now! We play it whenever we don't think we can make it through , which these days are many. It's called Brighter days by: Blessing Offor

I know there's gonna be some brighter days I swear that love will find you in your pain I feel it in me like the beating of life in my veins I know there's gonna be some brighter days I know there's gonna be some brighter days [Verse 1] Oh, ashes fall from burning dreams Oh, never lived through times like these Oh, if you're trying hard to breathe in the dark In the dark [Chorus] I know there's gonna be some brighter days (Yes, I know) I swear that love will find you in your pain I feel it in me like the beating of life in my veins I know there's gonna be some brighter days I know there's gonna be some brighter days (Mm, yeah) [Verse 2] Oh, if your screams don't make a sound (If your screams don't make a sound) Oh, if your walls are crashing down (Crashing down, crashing down) Oh, if your heart just cries too loud all the time All the time, woah

[Chorus] I know there's gonna be some brighter days (Some brighter days) I swear that love will find you in your pain (Oh, love will find you) I feel it in me like the beating of life in my veins I know there's gonna be some brighter days (Oh, there's gonna be, there's gonna be) I know there's gonna be some brighter days