Kevin and I made a plan. We had everything all set. Surgery, Recovery , Taper. In that order. Each step had a plan. We talked about it, discussed it, went over it and shared it with others. So far so good. Surgery-check, Recovery ( a few embarrassing bumps in the road ) check.
Taper......
I want to change the plan. At least re evaluate it. Glance at it. Talk a new plan through.... or I dont talk and just do what I want?!?!?
That my friends is why Kevin and I make plans. I often try to deviate from said plans and I am brought back to THE REAL PLAN. This time I'm struggling. I am struggling with the plan.
Week one- Taper down 100
Week two- no Taper
Week three- down another 100
Week four- no Taper
Week 5 -down another 100
Week 6- No Taper
Week 7- down 50
Week 8- No taper
week 9- down 25
week 10- no taper
week 11- 25
DONE!!!
I don't know how to explain what those weeks of no tapering does to me.
I enjoy nothing, for I fear everyday that draws closer to the day I taper again.
I can't stand the constant back and forth. It's wreaking havoc on my mind and my body.
I try and explain that the constant taper would be better. That these breaks in between is what is killing me. I know Kevin cant believe me because when I ask this of him I am sobbing. Plus, I am on a taper week. And who in their right mind would want to be in constant pain and turmoil for weeks. It's crazy, I know. But , I need you to picture a long dark tunnel with breaks of light but you never see the end, you can never get out . Every now and than you get a moment of sunlight and than the darkness closes in again.
I know he thinks he knows what is best for me and he probably does... But maybe , just maybe we can glance at the plan, re-evaluate and make a new plan. Not a better one, just a different one.
I wrote this blog two weeks ago. Kevin and I talked about me tapering differently. We weighed the pros and cons. The effects it may have on the kids and the already high tensions in the house. As we discussed the toll it would take on me I looked up and saw tears flowing down Kevin's face. I squeezed his hand and asked what the tears were about. He told me he hated seeing me go through this. That it was hard to have to stand by and just watch me. To not be able to do something, anything at all to help me was agonizing. I could see the pain in his eyes and I could see the weight of this whole past year just bearing down on his shoulders.
It was then and there that I decided to stick to our original plan of Tapering every other week. Looking into Kevin's eyes I realized that I wasn't the only one that might need a break. AND maybe, just maybe I could sit in that break of sun in my dark tunnel and just enjoy the warmth of it while it lasts!
The night of writing this was probably the worst night of Tapering. I longed for that little bit of sunshine. I begged God for just a small break in the pain. In that moment I realized Kevin was right. I needed a break. We all needed a little bit of sunshine before the dark closes in again.
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