Woke up last night with a massive headache. Searched high and low for Advil or Tylenol. What I found was a bottle of( 20 )150mg tablets of Lyrica. I froze with the bottle in my hand. I leaned against the counter and quickly looked around. I wanted to make sure no one had woken up and could stop me from whatever I might do.
The next thing I did was shake the bottle. I held it up to my eye to see if they were really in there.
I than opened the container and took one out. Held it up, put it back in. Closed the bottle. Opened it again. Took all twenty pills out. Made designs on the counter with them. Put them back. Took one out. Touched it to my tongue. Put it back.
A few times I wanted to wake Kevin up. Ask him to take care of them. To take the descion out of my hands before I made the wrong choice.
But I didn't. I needed to do this on my own. I got a drink of water, grabbed the pill bottle from the counter and went into my bathroom ever so quietly. I sat down at the edge if my tub and I just held the bottle.
I thought of my girls. Each of thier beautiful faces. I thought of what they would encourage me to do. I thought of what I'd want them to do if it were them in my situation.
I thought of Kevin. My amazing , thoughtful, caring, supportive husband who loves me far more than I deserve. He would be PISSED. Lol! I mean really pissed. Not that I took them but that I didn't ask for help when I needed it. I had promised him I would never not ask for help again.
Than I thought of myself. I knew if I took even just one, I'd never have the strength to do this all over again. I flashed back to the night sweats , the chills , the shakes , the craziness within my head. Than I stared down at my scars and knew my choice. I opened the toilet lid , threw the pills in and flushed them.
It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I might just be okay after all!
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