I think it's all catching up to me, I think it's catching up to all of us. The whole past year..... Trigiminial Neuragial, Dr. Appointments, MRI's , covid, surgery and recovery.
Bailey's Senior Year is almost over
She had to give up so much already because of Covid never mind dealing with me and all my issues. Bailey ended up doing a lot of collage applications, essays and scholarships on her own. We are way behind on visiting the colleges she's thinking about going to.
Their were many times Bailey didn't go to the gym, or had to call in late to work and even cancel plans because Kevin and I needed her help .
Did she complain, like a typical teenager? I am pretty sure there were a few sighs, groans and definitely some of her famous, kill you on the spot "Dirty looks"
But....
Bailey worked,went to school, got EMT certified , played soccer , applied to collages, filled out scholarships, took care of Dakota and worried over me all day everyday.
I am glad she complained a little bit because THAT was the only teenage thing she was doing. Bailey was an ADULT 99.9% of the time. I could not be more proud of the person she is!
It was Dakota's first year at middle school and we all know what a huge transition that can be.
Trying to figure out your friends and where you belong. Not to mention she's 12. She's got a lot going on emotionally , etc. she was really having a hard time. The stability she once had at home was gone. Often times I promised her trips to the beach or the pool, or a night of fun after I was through with work. Too many times to count I had to disappoint her because the pain was too much. She "ALWAYS" told me it was okay and not to worry, but I could hear the disappointment in her voice and see it on her face. It was hard for her to be a kid when she was felt like she needed to be an adult.
I can not tell you the amount of times Dakota has seen me fall to my knees in pain, only to stay by my side till it passed and than help me up. She was 7 when I was first diagnosed with Trigiminal Neuralgia. She remembers bits and pieces from that time but not a lot. She will remember a lot more this time around.
I thank God for my family and friends for taking her whenever they could. Whoever had her, they always made their time with her special! I had times I was mad , angry and quite frankly jealous. They could give her things I couldn't. Than she would come home with stories of love and laughter and It was almost like I was their with her and her excitement was contagious and just filled me with joy . Just another one of those gifts God gave me. I thank him for placing people in my life who can love her ALMOST as much I do!
Kenadee helped not only with Dakota but everything here,there and in between. I think Kenadee struggled with not living at home. She was trying to build her own life and career all the while knowing we needed her . She tried to do it all, all the time! She split her time between Her girlfriend, work, dogs, me and her new business. All the while dealing with her own health issues. More often than not she chose Me . In choosing me, I am sure it caused issues in the other areas of her life .She never complained once or made me feel like she had better things to do. I recognize what a gift this was. It does not go unnoticed and will not be forgotten.
My heart is breaking and I am Sobbing while writing this. I tried , I really tried to be a good MOM through my pain, through my medications and through my craziness.
I think of Kevin, and all that he has been through. It's not so much what he's been through, It's what he has had to carry. Some Burdens are just too much for one person to carry.
The weight of me being in pain all the time and him not being able to do anything about it really took it's toll. My surgery, recovery and taper weighed heavily on him.
Often times , It was just Kevin WORKING, picking up groceries, making dinner, laundry, bringing Dakota here there and every where! Trying to manage where Bailey's going, what is she doing and where is she? Did she say the gym? Work? School or friends? Didn't we have another KID?
I am sure there were many nights he laid awake , worrying and wondering if he could keep up the juggling act. More often times than not, When one ball falls, they usually all end up falling.
When I think back on all my family has gone through, It's almost like I took something away from each and every one of my them.
I hope to God that someday I can replace what they may have lost.
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