It's funny, Monday I was so excited to got to Tennesse for a photography clinic. Memphis, Tennessee to be exact. I was excited on Tuesday. Went to bed at 11:30 never slept, got up for the airport at 3:00 a.m. on Wednesday.
I knew as soon as I got out of bed and my feet touched the rug it was going to be a bad day. Which really through me for a loop because on Monday I was feeling good. I felt so good I could probably slay a dragon or win a bear fight. ( probably not but Maybe!) So , it's weird, That I would wake up Wednesday morning and not be okay. I was not okay. I was nausea, overwhelmed and tired. I knew today was going to be a battle. One I didn't win. I say this only because I learned many lessons . It's too bad I hadn't learned these lessons a little earlier, I could have saved myself from a lot of embarrassment and my Employer a lot of money.
Upon arriving at the the park and ride in Biddeford, I was feeling pretty good. I was only a few minutes late and Joe had only called me once to see where I was at.
I had this. I Grabbed my bag from my jeep and threw them in Joe's car. Off to Portland we went. I was feeling good. Flights on time, we are on time. I am like " look at me, look at me, Traveling!!!! I was feeling wicked cool going through security . It was like I was born to travel! That was until until the lady took my stuff and threw it every where and yelled at me about stacking, than told everyone no stacking. Than yelled at me to empty my pockets, she startled me so badly I said " I have no pockets " as I am putting my hands in my pockets and pulling them out. What I MEANT to say was " I have nothing in my pockets"
We got through that mess and I was no longer feeling cool and confident. I believe you can do amazing things when you are confident and believe in yourself. I really do. I am so happy but yet envious of those that radiate it. I almost want to ask them their secret. I'd love to know.
These days I am a wimp . It doesn't take much to knock me down.
Joe and I went to the gate number and waited to board. Plane right on time. Awesome. We boarded. The plane was tiny. And sooooo hot. I sat in my seat. Immediately got my ear buds out and sat back and closed my eyes. It just kept getting hotter and hotter. Sweat was pouring down my face , down my back and even my arms. I searched to where the bathroom was and couldn't find it with all the salty sweat dripping into my eyes and stinging them, producing tears and making me look even more of a mess .
I grabbed for the disposable paper bag and threw up. Not once, not twice but three times. Each time it rose higher and higher. I turned and asked for Joe's bag but it was too late. The bag started to seep. I had to get up ! It was now or I'd be trying to scrub a bag of puke off the plane floor. I got up, my knees weak and shaky. I bounced off every other seat on my way to the stewardess. I apologized for throwing up and I asked where I could dispose of the bag. She reluctantly took it from me and another stewardess offered me some ginger al. I asked her if I could step off the plane for a moment. At first she said no. Than she really got a good look at the condition I was in and came to the realization that it was either get me off for a moment or I was going to pass out and it was going to be a whole bigger issue. I stepped off for a bit.
I just could not believe this was happening. Big bad traveler I was. I wasn't feeling so cool or confident now was I.
I stepped back onto the plane , grabbed Joe's barf bag, a.k.a disposable trash bag. Don't be fooled they do not hold liquid. Bring your own.
Got in my seat, turned on the air toward me , put my ear buds in and Sat back. I was feeling better, I was going to make it.
It wasn't long until they told us we were having computer issues and none of the airplanes navigational systems were working . They should have the problem solved shortly. We sat and we sat and we sat. It grew hotter and hotter. My stomach rumbled and rumbled. Growing more irritated by the minute. I kept asking Joe where the bathroom was and he didn't know. I was going back and forth between my three choices.
Option #1 Try to make it to the bathroom. But do I go left or right. If I'm wrong I'm gonna shit my pants right here and now on this plane. In the isle and probably down it as well. Option #2 shit my pants right there in my seat. Option #3 jump up grab my suit case (for a change of clothes if need be.)And run out of the plane, down the terminal and into the nearest bathroom.
I chose Option #3 . That way at least if anything happened I'd could at least keep going right out the airport doors. Just as I was about to put my plan in action , the captain came on the intercom. They were de- boarding the plane. That's when I grabbed my bag and made a run for it.
Poor Joe. Everyone knew he was traveling with the crazy lady. They probably thought he was my therapist helping me over come my fear of flying.
We changed our flights to the next available. We Had to reschedule our connecting flight. We were going to miss half the conference.
It was a mess.
As we waited for the plane to be fixed. I became sicker and sicker. I was jittery, I couldn't sit still, I was pacing and than spending every 10 minutes or so in the bathroom. I got lucky , either their were way too many people in the bathroom and no one could really be 100 percent sure it was the crazy lady or someone else or a bunch or someone's! Every other time it was empty. Just me alone. Dying.
I called Kevin, I know he wanted to help me , he just didn't know how. I didn't even know how to help myself. I headed back just as they were boarding our plane. I was surprised since we had been told it would be hours. I went to my bag , grabbed my ticket and I started to go. I stopped , looked at Joe, he looked at me , and told me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to.
It's not that I didn't want too. I was excited for this trip, I wanted to go , I did, I just couldn't. I honestly could not trust myself to get on that plane and not freak out. I can just see it now. Plane has to land because Amie knight ,42 , of East Waterboro, Maine, said she felt the walls were closing in on her. Lost her shit and had to land at the nearest airport.
I'd never live that one down!
Was it really worth it. To ruin everyone's time just because I had to try and be strong. I knew I couldn't do it. I finally did something for me . I said Thank you to Joe and told him to text me when her got there. And I walked out of the airport. And I kept walking . I walked almost to smiling Hill Farm before Kevin came to pick me up.
During my walk, I worked out a few things in my head. I refused to be disappointed in myself. I have been through a lot and I need to give myself the time I need to heal both mentally and physically. I realized I am going through life these days like I am 100 percent.And I am not. I need to give myself some time . I told myself I deserved to give myself some grace.
I am doing the very best I possibly can.
The days following were hard, really hard. I was hard on myself one minute , which would bring me back in panic mode or I was proud of myself for doing What I needed to do at that time. It was on a roller coaster of emotions.
I also worry and wonder what Kevin and my girls were thinking. I don't want them to see me for someone who is struggling and going crazy. I want them to see me getting help as a strength and not a weakness. I fear they see me as weak . I fear one day It will all be too much for them.
I write this, not to tell embarrassing stories about myself or to get pity for myself , but to Normalize everyday life for the many people that maybe struggling.
I keep telling myself, it's okay, not to be okay. I realize I cant just say it anymore, I must live by it.
To everyone struggling today, It is okay, not to be okay.
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