In my darkest hours I have cried out to you Lord. In my lowest moments I have begged for your mercy. I have ignored you, cursed you and questioned your plans for my life. I have shut you out and locked the door but yet you still find a way in.
The "In" you have Lord is the man you placed in my life almost 23 years ago this August. I believe you knew that one day I would try and shut you out and you placed Kevin in my life for this exact moment. To remind me of your love , mercy and faithfulness.
Thank you Lord for my Husband.
Kevin is my light in the darkness. He is my constant. To be honest, I would not be here without his love, support and dedication to me.
He has taken so much on during this difficult time. So much! I often wonder if he should be the one writing a blog instead of me!
He would never admit he is struggling to anyone, not even me. Maybe he is too busy trying to save me that he cant seem to grasp the concept that he too might need some saving.
We are not an easy household to begin with. Three girls, 4 dogs and two bunnies. Now cue in the crazy wife who cant manage life at the moment.
It's more than A LOT. It's really just too much for one person to handle and keep it all together. But he does it , day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year.
I want him to know, actually I need him to know that I SEE HIM. I see all that you you are , all that you feel and all that you do. I see the stress that tightens your shoulder, and puts creases on your forehead. I see the pain in your eyes and I see your mind constantly turning. Trying to figure out this life we have been given. Trying to fix me , you, the chaos that is sometimes our family. I see you stressing over bills, money , work , the kids and me. Babe, I see it all. Thank you for always being the man we all need. The husband, the father, brother, son and friend everyone needs. I see it wearing down on you, taking a little piece and every day. I want to be everything and more to you. I am sorry that I am unable to be the person you need right now. I'd love to make promises to you but I'm not sure I can right now. I'm trying and I know you don't expect anything more than what I am capable of right now.
I wish thier words were better words than Thank you and I love you. I feel as though I already use those often enough with Kevin. Every second of the day actually. I wish their were a word you could only say twice a year to the same people or two different people. But only two times. This word would without a doubt show this person or these people how very much what they have done has meant to you. I'll let know when I find that word.
I often times don't think Kevin understands how very much he has done for me, for our girls and our family. When ever I try and tell him how much he means to me he just shrugs it off as though it is nothing. But Saving a life is not nothing. He quite literally saved my life. He kept pulling me out of the darkness and back into the light. He knew when I was in trouble and he never hesitated to act. He made me take baths, go on long walks, sat with me when I cried. Held me when I would scream and yell in pain. I was never once alone. Kevin showed me what life could be like and helped me fight my way out of the never ending darkness.
I pray that God heals me so that I can be everything that he may need. That I too may be his light in the darkness. His Constant. I pray for this more than I pray for anything else!
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