Being Honest

Some days.... are good!!! I feel like ME!

Other days like Yesterday... I just want to die. Its all too much. I didn't ask for help. It was almost like I couldn't. I was too mad and angry . I hated everyone and whoever talked to me, I snapped and yelled at them.

I left my house for a walk hoping my anger would dissipate . It didn't. It just kept building and building until I couldn't contain the anger and madness within. This is where I need to be honest and I'm not sure I can. I am filled with Shame and disappointment over my actions. No matter how many times I try and blog like no one is reading, it's always there in the back of my mind. My kids are the ones I worry about reading this. I know they love me and will always support me. But what will they think of a mom who time and time again tells them to reach out for help if they need it and than read that I DIDN'T.

I was mad and angry. I wanted to be left alone. I could not pray. I wanted to just yell and scream. Slam doors ANYTHING to stop this insanity.

I now understand why people harm themselves.To feel anything else but how you are feeling. You are not in your right mind. You just want the hurt to stop. I know It sounds crazy and bizarre and it is. It makes no sense to stop hurt with hurt. I cant even begin to find the words to explain. I wish I could , I have tried but I cant.

In all my shame and disappointment I looked up toward the window. Seeking any sign that I was going to be okay. That I would get through this moment on this day. As I was about to close my eyes and bow my head in shame and despair I caught sight of something. It was a canvas my sister in law made me 15 years ago. I love that canvas so much . I have kept it in my room even after we repainted and it didn't match the wall. Its a collage of photos of Kevin and the girls all around this saying:

“life is like a camera,focus on whats important,capture the good times,develop from negatives and if things don't workout take another shot.”

It's almost like God knew that 15 years later I would look up at that canvas and it would pull me out of my darkness. I stared at each photo of my beautiful family and I read and re-read that saying over before I finally laid on my floor and sobbed.

I realized a few important things laying on my pet pee stained carpet. One, I want wood floors and at this moment wished we opted for them when we built! Lol!

The other thing I realized...

Today was a bad day. A really bad day! My worst one yet. But..... If I focus on one thing at time , one day at a time and one moment at a time , I might just be okay. And.... if things don't go as planned, I'll just try again. My focus is my husband and my beautiful, beautiful girls. They need me and they have all been fighting so hard for me and for so long. I need to keep fighting and pushing through.

Even after I yelled at Kevin and slammed doors he still came in to check on me. Seeing me on the floor, he laid down eye to eye with me. Held my hand and let me sob.

Laying on the floor , eye to eye with my husband I promised him I would never not ask for help again. And I promised myself I would do everything I could to be okay.