work

I should have never went back to work so soon.

Yes, Kevin you were right , I was wrong. You better save this blog as evidence of me saying that because I will deny it all day long!!!

I bet Joe wishes I had waited a bit as well. My screw ups far outweigh the help I'm giving him. I actually can't believe the poor guy is still paying me. After my last screw up , I saw the post on Facebook that we were hiring. If that doesn't tell me something I don't know what would!

I am definitely not the business partner he had a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I can still take a damn good photo buts it's everything before, in between and after.

I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've yelled and snapped at Joe. Forgotten where I was suppose to be or what I was suppose to be doing. It's been many weeks of many struggles and I am sure he is regretting his decision to have me back at all.

I often wonder if this is really what I want to do. Kevin says it is. He says its

It was my first week off from all my medications . Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I made it through. The days where hell but I still managed to push through . It was Thursday morning. I was booked solid all day. From sun up to sun down.

I woke up around 4am . My shirt and sheets were soaked in sweat. I got to the bathroom just in time to throw up. After their was nothing left I just dry heaved for the next 20 minutes. I tried, I really did. I even turned on my straightener and tried to put my contacts in. My hands and knees refused to stop shaking. I reached for my phone and called Kevin. He was just at the bus stop dropping Dakota off.

I told him I was wasn't doing well and wasn't sure I could do this. He thought I meant the day but I was talking about living. Life. I wasn't sure I could do LIFE like this.

He told me he would be home as soon as he dropped Dakota off.

I sank to my knees and sobbed on my bed. I prayed God would stop this pain, that he would make me strong. I just needed to be strong enough till Kevin got home.

As soon as I heard his trunk engine I breathed a sigh of relief. I thanked God for his strength while I waited. The door opened and Kevin came rushing in. He wrapped his arms around me and held me while I shook, cried and broke.

I don't know why we push ourselves to get better faster, do more and tell ourselves we are okay. I believe we do more harm than good this way. I wasn't ready for a lot of things and yet I still pushed myself to do them. Now when I should be okay and at the tail end of this, I am not. I am still struggling. Maybe even more than I was before.

I find myself pretending more, telling everyone I am okay. Certain people know I am not and I appreciate their love and support. Others I feel think I should be over this by now and just figure I am good.

I am not. I am fighting harder than I ever have.

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