Pain. I know all about Pain. It almost seems like I cant remember a time when I wasn't in pain. Those who have chronic pain, we don't become accustomed to it. The pain doesn't dull or fade away. It's always THERE. What we do become accustomed to is lying. Faking it. All day, everyday, all week, etc.
Some days are easier than others. Some people deal with it better than others. I draw my strength from the people around me. If Kevin has a good day at work or Dakota landed a back-walk over in acro. Or,when I get a text from a long time friend from far away. I realize their is joy within the pain.
Except when its too much, because sometimes it is. Pain, especially chronic pain , it
can make you do all kinds of crazy things and think all kinds of crazy thoughts.
It was almost midnight on Thursday. I had been laying in my hospital bed for the last few hours listening to the man beside me moan, scream and yell out for help. I couldn't keep my medications down. The nausea medication was not working. I had nothing more in me to throw up. My pain had surpassed any number scale. I grabbed my phone and dialed Kevin.
Dakota answered. It took everything in me to answer with " Hey, Babe I want to talk to you but I need to talk to dad first. Okay? Alright, I love you" As soon as Kevin came on the phone I lost it. I could not fake it. The pain was too much. I told him I couldn't do it, He needed to come pick me up. I yelled and screamed at him to help me. Kevin was calm, loving and in control ( not his first rodeo, unfortunately ) The nicer he was the meaner I was. I finally hung up and threw my phone. As I laid their holding my head in pain and sobbing, I realized I never talked to Dakota who I know was wanting to hear her Mother's voice.
Pain.... It makes us into different people. It changes you.
In the wee hours of Friday morning I cried out in pain along with my next door neighbor.
At that moment in time I was willing to leave my family , my whole life just to not feel the pain anymore. It's hard for me to write that. I do not write this or share this lightly. The guilt of having felt this way lies heavily on me. It makes me question who I am and everything I stand for.
As I laid there in my bed weak, tired and defeated, I prayed. I BEGGED God to help me. Help US. I pleaded with him. If he couldn't take away the pain at least give us a little peace. Slow our hearts, clear our heads, let our bodies rest so that we may have another day to fight. I prayed for a long time. I prayed so long I hadn't realized it was quiet next door. All I could hear were beeps from our machines. I heard him shift and than settle again. I closed my eyes and listened to the peace.
God had given the two of us Peace. Peace as thick as peanut butter!
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