I think the hardest part of all this pretending to be okay when I am not, is trying to convince even myself of my lies. It's exhausting to say the least and drives me to insanity at times. Its hard to know what's real and what's not. I feel as though maybe if I had sought help I wouldn't be the burden and heartache I am to my family. ( they will deny this to the end of time ) But it's true. Each and everyone of my girls and Kevin have been affected by this disease and everything that comes with it. I question so many times who we would all be and where would we all be had I not gotten Trigiminal Neuralgia not once but TWICE. I often find myself apologizing for things beyond my control. I find myself trying extra hard to be okay just so my family can breath for a moment. I find myself doing all the things I promised myself I wouldn't do when I started this blog.
I know it's okay, not to be okay BUT.... it's hard not ever being okay. Their are glimpses of the me I use to be and It gives me hope that I will be okay but they are few and far between.
I try to be honest but it gets tiring even to my own ears never mind those close to me. Feeling like this makes me want to shut down. Try and deal with it in my own head. I know it's never worked before but it might one of these times!!!!
I hear Kevin's voice in my head, telling me he is here for me. Telling me to talk to him. But I'm sick and tired of hearing my own voice , I can't even imagine how he feels.
Friends and family I know care and want to be there but it's not something that can be understood and I just feel crazy trying to explain crazy.
Not to mention we all have "stuff". I'm not the only one going through hard times. Their are millions of us hurting and in pain. I'm not any different. I need to just suck it up and move on. I feel as though this all should be over. I'm good now. I'm fine. But you can only tell yourself that so many times before you drive yourself mad. I am not good. I am not fine.
These thoughts drive me crazy and I have to stop and breath.
I HAVE to realize that I have been through a lot and I need to be kind and gentle with myself. Yes, everyone is going through a lot and they too need to be kind and gentle to themselves as well.
I don't mean to disrupt birthday dinners and special occasions. I know I am slacking in all departments. Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and co-worker. I know it. I see it. All you would have to do is look around my messy house , or look for a towel. Lol! How about trying to work a full week or better yet make my husband call out of work because I can't be alone.
I don't want to be this person. But it is far beyond my control. You have no idea how long I have been trying to be strong, trying to be everything and do everything. The sad part is, no one expects anything from me. My family, they just want me well.. It's me putting these expectations upon myself. And it's not fair to me. I am just setting myself up for failure.
There is no time limit to this process. I'll have good days and bad days. When I have good days I need to embrace them. Shout it to the world and take advantage of them.. And when I have bad days , I need to take care of me. I need to not push myself.
The bad day's will eventually pass and I'm praying they will be far more good days in the future. Until that day comes I will work harder on being easier on me.
Comments